1.     You gave me everything. You taught me to have trust. You gave me a hope. You showed me your love. You made me live my life. And then, you broke my trust, dashed my hope, disowned my love & shattered my life. Now, I have nothing else to treasure. I should have known. Those were not gifts, those were lends.

2.     I saw you for the first time. You noticed. Appreciated my presence. Wanted me to initiate. I wondered for a word for that emotion. For that awkwardness. For that sudden rush of blood in n out of the heart. You lingered. You stayed a little more. I could not pledge. This kind of love. Complex. Intricate. UNEXPLAINABLE.

3.     Your actions were inexcusable, injudicious & coldblooded. Still, I forgive you. I will forget as well. I will forget the fact that, “YOU” HAD EVER HAPPENED.

4.     It takes me years to pen down our picture-perfect impeccable love story. You come by. You erase your name. You Leave. I can do nothing. I am reduced to tears. I start inscribing another one. I fail. I still can do nothing.

5.     I loved love. Saw you. Was encouraged to love you. You reciprocated. Enchanting, my life became. I wished you would stay forever. You did not. You ruined my dignity. Self-worth. Conviction. I tried hating love. Could not. Someone else found me. I wished this someone would stay. Blunder, I did again. Wrong, I was proven again.

1. Something triggered a memory of yours. Something made me disregard you again. Something prompted me sense those agonies again. Something elicited me to reconnoiter those tricky immersions again. Yes. Something. That something - your Narcissism. Arrogance. Verbiage. Neglect & NONSENSE. 

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2. The enigmatic memories of your honeyed hairs, engaging eyes, luring lips. The faint memories of your tantalizing veneer. The memory of loving you is weak now. The spontaneity of loving you is gone now. You were just that. You were in a class of your own, An unparalleled level of Falseness. Deception. Chicanery.

3. The day I fathom. The day it transpires. The day it troubles no more. The day history echoes itself. That day has always been nigh. That day is TODAY. 

4. There are no choices for lovers. Ignorance, rhapsody & impetuosity let you acknowledge what's served before you.

5. These petty holdups, those minimal impediments, these precarious milieus, those petrifying glares. This circumspection of my abilities. That cageyness of my efforts. Amidst & albeit these all, Eventually I'll get there. I HAVE TO.

I wish, all the random thoughts do have a meaning. :)  

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Umang saw her for the very first time that day. He was the one to pledge a half-smile & persevered with it in the hope of getting the other half in return. But the resolute grin slowly became glazed when the hope of getting the same in return turned out to be gloomy.  Two days later, Umang came to know the name of the girl, who he had fallen in love at the very first sight with. “Tamanna” was the first girl; he had given some thoughtfulness to, though he had always been the cynosure of all eyes himself. But Tamanna was something different. Out of this world. Referring her a fairy sounded a bit like a cliché to him, still he was captivated by her beauty. 

Four more days and Umang got to talk to her for the first time. Though it was far from a heart-to-heart, it felt like music to his ears.  Friends were pressing him to talk to his dream girl for all those days, but glimpses valued more for him than conversations. It was not long when Tamanna started appreciating Umang’s company. Of course, it was apparent for Umang to charm a girl over. It was a dream literally coming true for him though. Steadily, Tamanna started owning those moments, those conversations, those long phone-chats & eventually him.

On that fateful day for Umang, She gave him a red rose. It was not a ceremonial proposal but as they say “Something is better left unspoken.” Umang loved the uneasiness he was going through. But he could now officially pronounce of being in a relationship with Tamanna. They were frantically in love with each other.

They did what all lovers do. They loved each other. They enjoyed everyone else’s envy. They cared not a bit about what others had to say. They fought. They parted. They lamented. They got back. They got even closer. They loved each other even more. This went on for as long as 8 years. Umang’s love for Tamanna had not abridged even vaguely. But, for Tamanna, the whole world had changed. She did not appreciate those phone conversations any more. She did not adore meeting him any longer. She did not care for him any further.

Umang was losing his mind all this while. He had started tarnishing his own life by himself. He could not fathom this unexpected transformation in Tamanna’s assertiveness. He thought, one day, she would get back, hold & put the broken pieces of his heart together with her affection & care. But this was just another illusion; Umang was expecting to come true. That moment never came by. He kept on worsening & ruining his life.

One fine day, Umang’s phone rang with Tamanna’s name flashing on it. Without delay, he answered. Tamanna wanted to meet up. Umang could feel his heart start beating again. He went to a nearby shop, bought the most dazzling gown; he could place his eyes on & left for the meeting place.  

When he arrived at the meeting place, which happened to be a local railway station, Tamanna had already got there, in her white Punjabi salwaar suit & with a red envelope in her hands. Just for a moment Umang mistook that for a red rose & reached out for her hands. Tamanna in response took a step back & handed over the envelope to him. Umang, opened the outer cover, took out the inner page & before he could finish reading it, collapsed with absolute tremor. It was Tamanna’s marriage invitation card.

The day he had to deal with. The day it actually transpired. The day it troubled him no more. The day history echoed itself. That day had always been nigh. That day had come by.

A super-fast outstation train’s hooter like noise made him recollect his sanity (insanity rather). Without much a do, he started running towards the track & jumped on to it. A few Nano-seconds later, the train crushed & shattered his body; with it left behind his traumatized parents, grieved friends & a shaken Tamanna. The train rushed off & Umang’s mortal remains were there for everyone to witness. Umang had left the bag with the gown; he had bought for Tamanna, on the platform they were standing on. A small teardrop flashed from her left eye, rolled down her cheeks, touched both her lips & finally kissed the gown resting on the ground. She could do nothing more.

When Umang reached the station, Tamanna was standing right there. When he left, she was still standing right there.

This pretty much summed up their relationship. Umang did everything to keep Tamanna happy & in return never got anything. He had to be contented with that last teardrop of her.

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I know, people after reading this post of mine, will come up with a lot of counsels asking me not to explicitly display my personal feelings on a public forum. But I always do what I believe in & my conviction says me not to entertain those promptings, which defy my own interests. So, here goes my most provocative & sensitive post, as this is innocently intimate & downright candid.

We met unconcernedly & fell in love at the first sight. Love truly did not give me a chance. I always believed I was not a kind of guy who would fall in love. My priority had always been my studies- getting a 90% every time, Cricket – making it to the big league some day. I am not exactly sure whether we knew the meaning of “love” back then, but it kind of felt good talking with each other, passing on those understated glances, appreciating each other’s half-smiles & may be by just being with each other gave us heavenly bliss. We could do away with anything; but not a single day went by without us seeing each other. College days were golden; in case of no classes (owing to holidays & all) a small bike ride to her place while she noticed me from her rooftop made our days worth it. We were not madly in love. We were not unreasoned. We were not impetuous. We always knew, what we were doing & stood by it. We felt nothing could do us apart, but something did & that something is “distance”.

We stayed in the same city for quite a few years & then my career aspirations took me to the city of dreams. She stayed back. This distance could achieve something which none of the cruelly precarious mix-ups could. I could notice the changes in her, but never really supervised. My biggest mistake, that was.

City of dreams got me a pretty rewarding job & I thought I must give it a go. What I failed to comprehend during all this time was, even her aspirations got distorted. She had, like everyone else, a number of career plans to choose from but she chose the one which entitled her to stay away from family, old friends, acquaintances so that she could “enjoy” her life.

It was the year 2010 when she packed her bag & baggage & moved to the city of Nizams. It did not take her long to completely unleash her inner unexplored instincts. Suddenly, staying out with strangers at some pub till late hours was not an issue for a girl who used to be scratchy after 7/ 8 in the evening. Late night phone calls with random guys suddenly seemed reasonable to wipe out her boredom.

Meanwhile, I quit from my corporate job to pursue my inherent childhood dream of becoming a police officer after consulting with her repeatedly so that we did not get into any kind of perplexity at a later stage.

I had no issues with her abrupt change in conduct & curiosities as I thought every activity enjoys accommodation in a certain part of your life. What I did not notice was the intensity & promptness at which she was evolving. But the actual shocker struck; when she said it. She actually said it. “I don’t want you in my life anymore.” I could somehow gather my nous to ask for a reason & what she came up with as reasons truly acted the last nail in the coffin.

She did not want to stay with me, as I had no job, I did not know what I was doing with my career & life, she had better looking guys around to flirt with, she deserved better.

Let me tell you genuinely, as a civil service aspirant, till a few days back, I was an enthusiastic supporter of women rights. Now, I doubt, when we talk about women rights, are we really talking about women or some thick, greedy, offhand freaks. I must tell, I have lost that soft corner in my heart for them. I am sure its nothing to do with the gender. It’s about the individual. I just did not know girls could be so ruthless.

I wish you a good life, a pleasant married life & a successful career. I hope, you do justice with the person, you ultimately stay with. Through this post, I just want to convey one thing, I am happy with the decision, I ‘ve made. Even if I don’t get through the services, the preparation is as such too enriching that I would cherish this phase of mine for the rest of my life. Thank you for showing me the real “you”. Thank you for making my life a hell, so that when I get out of this phase, life will be a lot more gratifying.

This post is going to be in an out-and-out criticism mode. I quit my corporate career, jeopardized my personal life, and handcuffed my self-worth just to get an entry into the most coveted service in India – Civil Services. Becoming a “Babu” was never on my schema, so I decided to opt for IPS; even if I get IAS (If only i.e.). Once I decided all of that, I started exploring all things existent in this cosmos even aloofly associated to the service. My own father, being a civil servant himself, helped the matter to a great extent.

I, very hesitantly & with a heavy heart, confess the fact that, the more I do study regarding this, more I feel detached from the service. There is only one trigger for this. Before proceeding forward, I must pronounce, I respect the ample amount of work the Civil servants, the Military & the Para-military forces do for the country. They should be given unsurpassed reverence for the sheer pressure they go through while carrying out their activities.

The sole hitch that still lies with them is their attitude; once people start recognizing & appreciating them. I mean, I am a strong believer of the fact that, if you accomplish something, you must make everyone acknowledge it.  People may mistake u as a bighead; but then this is a pure “personal” outlook. Since, these bureaucrats, diplomats, police & military officers achieve something great every now & then, they tend to be in the center of attraction throughout their service period. This actually forms a “superior-than-all” feeling in them & arrogance soon takes the place of generosity. All these are my firsthand experiences as a lot of friends are serving in the said fields.

I have heard senior IAS officers going over the board in boasting about their achievements. It would not be a concern for me as long as they don’t feel as if they are “the” Gods on earth. Corporates, PSUs, even their own subordinates become useless creatures for them. I have seen a newly recruited IAS officer being really sarcastic over the prevailing situation in his allotted cadre “on a public forum.” I mean is he not a part of the system? We, the “aam aadmi”, should complaint & you should take the responsibility of curing the disease. On my way back from Delhi to Bhubaneswar, I met a guy working in CRPF, who even went on to curse the other forces of the para-military. For him, CRPF is the only force that is able to prove its worth & influence in country’s law & order.

To conclude, I would like to say, we have immense respect for all these officers who risk their life for the safety of our society & country. What we, ask in return, is a bit of generosity & modesty.

Mumbai, City of Dreams, where everyone’s dream gets a shape

Was not as generous as to me & sort of did nothing but to ape.

May be because, I had dreams, which I was not strong enough to pursue

I waited long enough & all this time I kept myself in the queue.

Finally, when I realize what I am born for & what I am destined to do

All of a sudden, it does not seem to be such a hard nut to chew.

What, it though means, is Mumbai is done with me

Asking me to flee as I am through with my spree.

Now, when I sit alone on a cloudy night at my place all set to leave

Memories come flashing by forcing me for the one last time to relive

I am inscribing the twinkling & the souls that I would never be able to forget

As I leap into the dark poignant horizon & get dowsed with the cold sweat.

Those late night “Gyan” sessions by Sourav

Which I had to repeat before exams in the morning

Look on Naveen’s face after a golden duck each single time

And the passionate and demonstrative activity of mourning

Manish feeling like a champ

After those early morning football matches

Puneet grieving over his yoga exams

Trying to impress the teacher in anticipation of some patches.

Kanak trying to flaunt her long silky hairs

In an attempt to attain, I wonder, what

Long SMS chats with Shweta in the class

And the way she concluded it every time with the signature “Chal - Hatt”

Avinash getting jumpy with the speed of the fan at night

When he pretty well knew the regulator’s not even working.

Anand with his meaningless “Grohe” chit-chats

Once I see his work timings, bloody it feels I am the only one toiling.

Sanskrati with her prompt BBM replies

And the constant brooding about office given blackberry

Pratik’s ever so new experiments with his camera

And by Josh & Jashn trying to attain glory.

Special Mention : - Nitesh Maheshwari, Romit S. Sharma & Sumit Jalan

Guys, I am going to miss you all. Be in touch. My World will never be the same without you guys, and, please forgive me for the bad poetic sense of mine. 3 glasses of beer & some vodka shots & it seems like music to me. You guys are in sagacity; so read at your own discretion.